he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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