When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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