And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
