Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
