NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
