wakey wakey hands off snakey
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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