Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
