One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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