my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
