Where did you get a picture of my penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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