Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
