wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
