when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
