EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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