Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
