u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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