I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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