I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
did i walk over a car last night?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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