Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize