I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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