We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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