My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize