I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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