You can't motorboat a personality
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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