I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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