So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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