i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
