Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
