Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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