I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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