I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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