dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
