I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
