I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
