watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
