Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize