The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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