The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
