I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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