How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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