i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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