turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
