I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
