dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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