i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
worst night to have a conscience
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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