Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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