Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
