I feel like abortions should bother me more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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