So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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