Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
