I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
