ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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