she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
