ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
porn star boner night. come get it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize