I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize