do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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