I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
