I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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