You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
