i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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