and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
