The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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