it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You may now shotgun with the bride
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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