Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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