I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
