Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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