this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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