I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Randomize
