Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He did a backflip because drugs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
