I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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