i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
