So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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