nut hugger
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
