Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need moral support for this bender
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
